Lessons I Learned At 38

Photo by Scott Sturdy.

1. Speak Your Truth Early And Often

Ask your real questions or tell your truth real early because it will get you to where you want to go a WHOLE LOT FASTER.

It’s friggin’ HARD to be vulnerable. I’m a Capricorn Sun with Scorpio Moon and Venus, Virgo Rising and North Node, and Mars in Capricorn. For those of you who don’t know what that means, I HOLD MY CARDS CLOSE TO MY CHEST.

But, I’ve fought against my nature several times over in my life and tried to spill the beans “too early” because somehow, someway I knew it was my medicine. This year, I learned so damn thoroughly both personally and professionally that being upfront early on is what cuts through the shit.

People will tell you all day to give it time (and in certain instances, this is true), but for the most part, we all know what we want right off the bat. So if you are honest at the get go, you either get in and out or get to it. No limbo (and limbo sucks, in case you were wondering).

2. Magic

Magic is real. But you have to look for it. Again and again and again. Everyday.

3. Ambivalence

I release men that are ambivalent about me. In fact, I release anyone from my inner circle who is ambivalent about me. It’s taken me years (and years, and years), but I finally realized that I attract men who are ambivalent about me (*please note for anyone who has been in a relationship with me: not 100% of the time, not 100% of my relationships*) because of core family wounding in this area. This has sometimes shown up in friendships, too.

~I realize that the tables have been turned, and that I’ve also practiced ambivalence in many relationships. I take full responsibility and ownership of this.~

I release this worn, outdated pattern that no longer serves because I see it for what it is. Thank you for the lessons learned over the years, VS, EB, DG, SV, and for the breakthrough I had this year in making the connection.

4. Deepen Compassion

We all know everyone is going through some shit at any given time. But it’s REALLY HARD to feel compassion for them when they are triggering or hurting us in the process. Boundaries are good, but I found a deepening space this year for practicing compassion while setting boundaries. I like this space. It’s a whole lot less black and white, and it’s a whole lot more loving to others as well as myself. I hope to practice it on even more profound level in 2018.

5. Cry, Cry, Cry

Let the tears well up in your eyes. Let the sobs rack your body. Let people witness it. Cry for the pain, cry for the joy, cry for the gratitude of being here now, alive and feeling what you are feeling.

I cried more often and more profoundly this year than I had in a while, and while all the cries were good, my favorite came in the form of reflection from others. I had a chance to see myself more clearly through other people’s eyes this year than I think I ever have had before. Which leads me to the last lesson from my year of 38:

6. Allow It In

I’m not really a flower person. I don’t tend to care much about physical gifts. But every time a person tells me that I’ve helped them to see themselves differently, or that they dived into what makes them tick because of me, or that they felt more courage to be authentic in their life because of something I said or did, I feel like I’ve been given the Palace in the Stars.

Because I know what it means to feel so much pain and not even know why, because I know what it means to hate the body you have been given, because I know what it means to think you can’t be that person that you want to be, because I know what it means to feel so damn stuck, and because I know that ALL OF THAT CAN CHANGE and you can love the shit out of your light, shadow, strength, questionable moments, selfishness, compassion, need for attention, giving nature, and that it is the ULTIMATE work of a life well-lived (thanks, Matt Kahn), my soul feels full of gold and my heart experiences something that I’ll never be able to explain and I just have to bawl my eyes out again and again with the intensity, passion, connection, and overwhelming emotion of it all.

So thank you, thank you, thank you.

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